Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
meow
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
We found love in a hopeless place.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.