Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Eat…