today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*weighs self after shaving
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”