Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere