Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they arenāt going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess itās time for the ol ākidnapping is frowned uponā talk.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If you havenāt left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style youāre not really parenting.
šš
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
āKeep it in your pants,ā I say, refusing to put my husbandās heavy key ring in my purse.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigiās Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So Iām giving it my all and she yells at me āyes dad suck that guy!ā Iām dead, yāall