“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
2023 was just a warmup
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
mom had nothing to worry about
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.