Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
adam and eve had first world problems
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK