@ItsAndyRyan: Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn't put it down.
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@ImFordTough: hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
@simoncholland: [at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car
@badbanana: Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you'll ever eat.