Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
U talkin 2 me?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick