Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
You Might Also Like
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit