Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way