Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel