@J0hnnyBlaze: The word "beard" comes from an old Latin phrase meaning "sit on my face"

@Book_Krazy: Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

@rickolantern: My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

@garrettbarry70: My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.

@MisterBombay: Whenever I'm waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I'm on a Game Show & just won a group of people