8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]