Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.