Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You Might Also Like
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Ghost costume 😂
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.