Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
You Might Also Like
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Twitter is an abusement park.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts