Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?