[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Have a lovely day 😊
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.