At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
a lot to unpack here
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.