[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Oh no
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP