I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I put the p in pants.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
looks legit
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.