idk flipping houses looks really hard
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout