@Cheeseboy22: Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT'd, so I threw it back in.
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@Thedudish: Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I'm on your porch. Can I come in?
@chimneyspotter: *reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk* ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
@DanMentos: [first date] "Tell me two interesting things about yourself" well I lie when I'm nervous… "ok…" and I invented oatmeal
@jordan_stratton: COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take. ME: You mean, don't take? COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.