My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.