Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Hell yeah 👍
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?