*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.