Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]