just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
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Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My kitchen overserved me.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Life with a cat in one tweet
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.