Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
More like Kate Missington.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.