A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
🐕🍷
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.