@ChaseMit: Just found out Fox News's website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.
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@OctopusCaveman: Next time someone finds me passed out drunk I’m going to ask “What year is it” and then scream “It worked” and gleefully run away.
@NaaN_Conformist: Back in my day, we didn't have iPads. If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
@sixfootcandy: You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what