Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.