Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
crying
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
❤️🦆
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.