Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!