@polksalad: Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
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@MableGertrude: I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
@Thedudish: I don't know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse's body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
@rohmontgomery: I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who's gonna pay my bills? me? I didn't ask for this
@OutOfLeftField_: I told someone my name and they said, "That's unusual. You don't hear that every day." Actually, I do.