@polksalad: Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
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@Floatersfinest: If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can't afford 3) Periods 4) Men
@primawesome: Health food? Baby, my body is a '93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I'm not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
@Breadery: Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He's hot. Me: Centaur. H: What? M: Centaur H: Is that his name? M: I want a divorce.
@RealSamHarwood: Reminding Dad I'm too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up