I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
👾👾👾
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye