@QwertyJones3: Just found out that "3 Men and a Baby" isn't a movie about Jesus's birth.
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@realHamOnWry: It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.
@krishna_van: People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year
@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
@jergarl: 8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I'm telling mom.