Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
i will not be silenced
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….