Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
We all have our pet causes.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.