Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
HBO
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
can you read it!!??
maan!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
are they though??
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!