@TitaniumToplass: Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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@iGreenMonk: She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight? Me: But darling i'm a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?
@causticbob: When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.
@squirrel74wkgn: *pounding on her chest* DON'T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
@tacos_y_cerveza: If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20