Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
You Might Also Like
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me