@OhNoSheTwitnt: Just found out there's a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I'm like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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@respected_loner: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
@ashleyaustrew: I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
@ckretmsage: I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
@BoogTweets: *Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.