Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.