Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Yup
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.