@notalogin: Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat! Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this.

@panmidwest: [world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b

@MarfSalvador: [Desert island] Me: JANE! Jane: What? M: It's a boat! J: HEEEEEEEEELP! Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@OfficeofSteve: If you forget what it's like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

@decentbirthday: [Mugshot photographer] Me: now lets do a silly one