Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”