I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
peep davidson
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers