Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Damn he played himself
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
What my back needs
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.