Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
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I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
How to draw a duck
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Those are good neighbors.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.