[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.