Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Not all heroes wear capes.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.