@grimpossible: Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
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@MumsieEsq: Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.
@StevieKnip: PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever
@CVTBaby: When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"
@TheWriteStuff2u: Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, "Now, what shall we name the other one?"