@grimpossible: Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
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@markleggett: When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
@JonasPolsky: Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
@coketruck76: 13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go
@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.