[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs