Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps