Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed